Tipsy Toys: The Top 7 Booziest Action Figures
It may seem like the bars get more full on St. Patrick’s Day, but New Year’s Eve is rally the calendar’s biggest drinkathon – kids get to try champagne, people stay out all night and Triple-A offers to tow even non-members for free (they won’t do this on just any night even if you are a member. Don’t ask me how I know – though it’s probably obvious – but let’s just say that hypothetically, should you be boozing any other day and need a tow home, you might want to say the car won’t start. Which isn’t a lie, because of course it won’t start…if you don’t put the keys in. Hypothetically).
It’s literally the absolute least of your worries, but let’s say you’re hosting a nerdy New Year gathering and you want to pick just the right figures for your festivities. Sure, you could be all Hallmarky and go for baby dolls to represent the young year to come, but if you want to be really honest, you’ll take the toys that are most like the way you want your guests – BYOB. But here’s the thing – they’re not as common as you might think, mostly thanks to rules about what toys for kids are and are not allowed to encompass. That’s when you need degenerates like us to guide you on a plastic pub crawl.
These are the drinkers you’re looking for:
7. Captain Teague from Pirates of the Caribbean 3.
The good Captain here doesn’t actually come with any alcohol-themed accessories, but he does talk, and when you hear that voice, you remember that it’s Keith f’n Richards. And there can be no doubt as to his sobriety, or lack thereof.
6. Peter Griffin.
What’s the rule: beer after whisky, mighty risky? Or is it beer before liquor, never sicker? As the South Park caricature of this entry might say, “You tink daaat’s bad? Remember the time I did both at once?” Like Homer Simpson but even more alcoholic, Peter comes with moonshine and a brewski – presumably the only reason he doesn’t feature show-accurate vomiting action is because nobody’s figured out how to make that work yet.